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wow, you always struck me as the kind of guy who packs heat everywhere he goes.

Nothing beats the "letter opener-o'-death"

A fountain pen. Good to stab someone with.

Most of your other options will not kill someone.



If you're not up for stabbing then a glass bottle is always handy.



Your computer mouse pull it out of the USB to strangle someone.



Your computer monitor if it's still one of those big old ones.



Your keyboard.



A 30cm metal ruler.



Your chair if you can pick it up.



Scissors!

Although the sharp cutty edge on a tape dispenser does make a useful and very scary weapon, Wonder suggests throwing some poo at anyone who comes within a 57 foot range of you, just to be on the safe side.

If you like, Wonder can stop by with his litter box. It hasn't been cleaned in the past 17 days.



<--- enjoys helping others

I used to fold Post-its into tiny eye-gouging yellow footballs and then flip them into the face of my enemies (boss and yak lady) with a simple flick of my finger. Slip a penny inside for extra weight... and write a hurtful statement on the football for extra tasty tears.

The Cat is the best self defense weapon, however he's not there. While the Pretzel rod could do the most damage, a pen or letter opening might be your best bet. Screaming like a little girl will only ward them off for a few minutes and they will all be back to stare at you. Of course, by this time, you might get the avoidance treatment, which would be best. The idea is to either look formidable or crazy. Either should work well. Also consider keeping a full cup of coffee in a ceramic mug on your desk, just in case.

Just leave and meet me for a coffee at Starbucks. I don't actually want coffee though. I want a vanilla bean frappacino.

What about a sharpened pencil taped to the end of a ruler?

I just pictured you sitting there and it makes me smile.

You could always google some info on Karate and get your blackbelt online.

Haiiiiiyaaaah! (I just karate chopped you, punk)

Don't Call IT...it just makes it worse. Your best bet is to hide behind a plant with a yellow sticky note on your forehead that says: Do Not Open Until Christmas...Unless it's Christmas.

Just be brave and probably nothing will happen...did you lock the door?

Just ask yourself this...



What would Charleton Heston do in your situation?



(You may also substitute Steve McQueen, if you wish)

What do you mean you're at the office alone? I thought we all had a pact to quit our jobs to focus exclusively on Yahoo!Answers?



I haven't bathed in a week. Shoot me now.